The Canonical List of Band Jokes

Q: How do you fix a broken tuba?
A: With a tuba glue.
 
Q: What's a tuba for?
A: 1 1/2" by 3 1/2" unless you request "full cut."

Q: How do a tuba player's brain cells die?
A: Alone.
 
Q: What's the range of a tuba?
A: Twenty yards if you've got a good arm!

Q: Hey, did you hear about the tuba player who finished high school?
A: Me neither.

Q: What is Black and Brown and looks good on a tuba player?
A: A Doberman.

Q: What do you never say about a tuba player?
A: "That's the tuba player's Porsche."

Q: Why are tubas like elderly parents?
A: Both are unforgiving and difficult to get into and out of cars.

Q: What would you call the smartest tuba player in the world?
A: Mildly retarded.

Q: There are two tuba players sitting in a car. Who's driving?
A: The policeman.

Q: How many tuba players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but he'll complain about how high the socket is.

Q: How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: one to hold the bulb and two to drink until the room spins.

Q: What do you call it when a tuba falls out of a building and lands on a little kid?
A: A flat minor.

Q: What do you call it when a tuba falls out of a building and lands on a military officer?
A: A flat major.

Q: How do you keep a euphonium from being stolen?
A: Put it in a tuba case.

Two tuba players walk past a bar... well, it could happen.

A tuba player walked into a bar... It cost him $175.00 to have the dent removed. 

One week after moving into his first apartment, Ed called his mother to complain about his neighbors: "One woman cries all day, another lies in bed moaning, and then there's this guy that keeps banging his head against the wall."
"You better keep away from them," she said.
"I do. I stay inside all day playing my tuba."

An orchestra is rehearsing a piece in which the tuba has a solo after 84 bars rest. At the point where the tuba should start the solo, nothing happens. So, the conductor stops and asks the tuba player why he didn't play. "I have 84 bars rest," says the tuba player. To which the conductor replies, "But we are past those 84 bars already." The tuba player, confused, asks "How should I know that?" The conductor replies, "You can count, can't you?" The tuba player looks at him and asks "Do you call that rest?"