The Canonical List of Band Jokes

Q: What is the difference between a lawnmower and an alto sax?
A: You can tune the lawnmower and the owner's neighbors don't mind if you don't return the sax when you borrow it.

Q: What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower?
A: Vibrato.

Q: How are a saxophone player and a blind javelin thrower alike?
A: Both command immediate attention and alarm, and force everyone to move out of range.

Q: What's the difference between a soprano sax and a cat in heat?
A: Not much, really.

Q: Why did the first chair alto player play so many wrong notes?
A: Because he kept ignoring the key signature -- he thought it was a suggestion.

Q: How do you know when a saxophone player is at your door?
A: They don't know which key to use or where to enter.

Q: If you were out in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
A: The out-of-tune sax player! You were hallucinating the other two.

Q: What is the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?
A: It's all in the grip.

Q: What's the definition of a gentleman?
A: One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!

Q: What's the difference between a garbage truck and a baritone sax?
A: One's a massive, noisy, scum-encrusted hulk and the other is a public sanitation vehicle.

Q: What's the difference between a tenor sax solo and a bottomless pit?
A: It's reasonable to hope that a bottomless pit won't go on forever.

Q: What's the difference between a tenor sax and a baritone sax?
A: The baritone holds bigger plants.

Q: What is the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad bari sax player?
A: The sax player could kill you.

Q: What's the difference between a saxophone and a vacuum cleaner?
A: You have to plug in the vacuum cleaner before it sucks.

Q: What did the saxophone player get on his IQ test?
A: Drool.

Q: How is a tenor sax solo like a sneeze?
A: You can tell it's coming but you can't do anything about it.

Q: What's the difference between a baritone sax and a chainsaw?
A: Two things... the vibrato, and the exhaust.

Q: What do a lawsuit and a saxophone have in common?
A: Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

Q: What is the definition of a half step?
A: Two altos playing in unison.  

Q: Why don't sax players like playing soprano?
A: There's no place to hide their drugs.

Q: What's the difference between a saxophonist and a lawnmower?
A: A lawnmower cuts grass; a sax player smokes it

Q: What's the difference between a Tenor sax player and a macaw?
A: One is loud, obnoxious, and noisy, and the other is a bird.

Q: What's the difference between a sax player and a mosquito?
A: The mosquito stops sucking when you smack it on the forehead.

Q: How can you tell if a saxophonist is intelligent?
A: He can understand a fingering chart except for L.th and R.th.

Q: What's the difference between a saxophone player and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q: What's the difference between the creationist theory of the origin of life and a tenor sax?
A: The theory doesn't have as many leaks.

Q: How do you get a saxophone player out of your house?
A: Pay him (or her) for the pizza!

Q: How many baritone sax players does it take to pop popcorn?
A: Two - one to hold the popper and one to shake the stove.

Q: Why did Adolph Sax invent the saxophone?
A: He hated mankind but couldn't build a atom-bomb.

Q: Why do some people have an instant aversion to saxophone players?
A: It saves time in the long run.

Q: What's the difference between a saxophone player and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.

Q: If you were in a room with Hitler, Hussein, and Kenny G, with a gun and only two bullets, who do you shoot?
A: Shoot Kenny G twice... just to make sure.

How are a saxophone and a guillotine similar?
    1. They are both lethal.
    2. They are both always sharp.
    3. They both work best when dropped from high places.

Which is the ideal place to practice on a saxophone?
    A: In Saddam Hussein's bedroom.
    B: Five fathoms under the surface of the Pacific Ocean.
    C: In a deserted coal mine.
    D: None of the above.
Correct answer: D: None of the above. A saxophone player never, ever practices. The risk of learning to play is much too great.

Contrary to popular belief, the saxophone is a percussion instrument, meant to be beaten by a hammer. A large hammer.

You might notice that there are very few jokes about the clarinet. This is out of sympathy. The clarinet has already been the butt of so many jokes - the saxophone, for instance.

Small wonder we have so much trouble with air pollution in the world, when so much of it has passed through saxophones.

There is a man on a boat that is in a shipwreck. The boat crashes on a jungle island and the man is greeted by natives. In the distance, he hears the sound of drums. He asks what the drums are for and the chief answers, "The drums must not stop!" The man is forced to stay the night in the natives' village. All through the night, the drums kept on going so he was unable to sleep at all. He got up in the morning and went to the chief again, begging him to know why the drums couldn't stop. The chief answered, "Because when drum solo stop, sax solo start!"

A man walks into a meat store looking for some brains for dinner. He looks at the selections:
Flute Brains $1/pound
Percussion Brains $5/pound
Tuba Brains $10/pound
Saxophone Brains $100/pound
He asks the butcher why saxophone brains are so expensive. The butcher replied, "Do you know how many saxophone players you have to kill to get a pound of brains?"