The Canonical List of Band Jokes

Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A: A drummer.

Q: What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
A: With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once.
 
Q: Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
A: So you don't have to retrain the percussionists.

Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

Q: Why is it good that drummers have a half-ounce more brains than horses?
A: So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.

Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: "Why? Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?"

Q: What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
A: Overqualified.

Q: How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
A: The knocking speeds up or slows down.

Q: How do you confuse a drummer?
A: Give him a piece of sheet music.

Q: What's the difference between percussionists and government bonds?
A: Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.

Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They have machines to do that now.

Q: How do you know if a drummer's platform is level?
A: The drool comes out of both sides of his mouth.

Q: What do you call a drummer that just broke up with his girlfriend?
A: Homeless.

Q: How do trumpet players park in the handicap spots?
A: They put drumsticks on the dash.

Q: How do you call a drummer?
A: You can't. They don't pay their phone bill.

Q: What do you call a drummer with more than one brain cell?
A: Pregnant.

Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
A: A drum machine can keep a steady beat and won't steal your girlfriend!

Q: How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?
A: Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.

Q: What should you call a drummer?
A: It doesn't matter. They won't listen anyway.

Q: If a dollar bill was sitting in the center of a room, and the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, a drummer with good time, and a drummer with bad time were standing in the corners, who would get the money?
A: The drummer with bad time--the other three don't exist.

Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car? It took two hours to get the drummer out.

Person 1: "Did you hear about the drummer who got into college?"
Person 2: "No."
Person 1: "Neither did I."

Heard backstage: "Will the musicians and the drummer please come to the stage!"

The percussion section's motto: "We don't blow, we bang!"

A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at the accordions, please." The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says "All our accordions are over there."
    After browsing, the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big red one in the corner." The store owner looks at him and says, "You're a drummer, aren't you?" The drummer, crestfallen, says, "How did you know?" The store owner says, "That 'big red accordion' is the radiator."

Three guys die and go to heaven. St. Peter stops them at the gate and says. "Hey, we need to know your IQ. It's not a requirement, it'll just help us find where you'll be happiest." The first guy walks up and says, "I had an IQ of 165." St. Peter says, "Wow! You must have been a rocket scientist or something!" "Actually, I was a rocket scientist." "Cool, well, you just go right over there, you'll have a blast." The second guy walks up. "I had an IQ of 134." "Woah! You must have been a brain surgeon!" "Actually, I was a brain surgeon." "Wow, I'm getting good at this! You go right over there, you'll fit right in." The third guy comes up, he looks a little embarrassed. "64." St. Peter smiles. "What kind of sticks did you use?"

There were these two people walking down the street. One was a drummer. The other didn't have any money either.