The Canonical List of Band Jokes

Q: How can you make a trombone sound like a French horn?
A: Stick your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

Q: What's the definition of perfect pitch?
A: When you toss a French horn in the garbage, and it hits a trumpet.

Q: What's the difference between a horn player and a director?
A: Two measures.

Q: Why is the French horn a divine instrument?
A: Because a man blows in it, but only God knows what comes out of it.

Q: How many mellophone players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but it takes forever to decide who gets to do it.

Q: What is the difference between a French horn section and a '57 Chevy?
A: You can tune a '57 Chevy.

Q: What do you get when you cross a French Horn player and a goalpost?
A: A goalpost that can't march.

Q: What is the difference between a squirrel and a French horn player in the back of a taxi?
A: The squirrel is probably going to a gig.

Q: How many French horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one -- but they'll spend two hours checking it for alignment and leaks.

Q: How do you get your viola section to sound like the horn section?
A: Have them miss every other note.

Q: What's the difference between a trumpet player and a French horn player?
A: Trumpet players think that they are gifts from God and horn players know it.

Q: What is the range of a French Horn?
A: About 35 yards if you chuck it real hard.

Q: What's a similarity between playing a French horn solo and wetting your pants?
A: Both give you a warm feeling but no one else cares.

"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant."You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son French Horn lessons last winter." "Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"

How do horn players traditionally greet each other?
       1. "Hi. I played that last year."
       2. "Hi. I did that piece in junior high."

A priest and a horn player reach the gates of Heaven. The horn player is admitted, while the priest is not. "Why?" asks the bewildered priest. "When you preach, everybody falls asleep, whereas when the horn player is due, everybody prays!"