The Canonical List of Band Jokes

***Keep in mind that for most jokes on this page, the words "director", "conductor", and "drum major" are interchangeable.***

Q: How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but then again, who's really watching?

Q: Why did they bury the conductor 20 feet under?
A: Because deep down, he was a really nice guy.

Q: If you were in a room with Hitler, Hussein, and a conductor and had a gun but only two bullets, what should you do?
A: Shoot the conductor twice -- just in case.

Q: What do you call 20 conductors at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.

Q: What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
A: The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.

Q: Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants?
A: They've had so little use.

Q: What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
A: The sack.

Q: What's the perfect weight of a conductor?
A: Three and one-half pounds, including the urn.

Q: What do all great conductors have in common?
A: They're all dead.

Q: What do you do with someone who's too stupid to play an instrument?
A: Give them two sticks and make them a percussionist...
Q: What do you do with someone who's too stupid to handle two sticks?
A: Take away one of the sticks and make them a conductor!

One day in heaven, the Lord decided He would visit the earth and take a stroll. Walking down the road, He encountered a man who was crying. The Lord asked the man, “Why are you crying, my son?” The man said that he was blind and had never seen a sunset. The Lord touched the man who could then see… and he was happy.
As the Lord walked further, He met another man crying and asked, “Why are you crying, my son?” The man was born a cripple and was never able to walk. The Lord touched him and he could walk… and he was happy.
Farther down the road, the Lord met another man who was crying and asked, “Why are you crying, my son?” The man said, “Lord I’m a high school band director.”
… and the Lord sat down and cried with him.

A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor. "I'm sorry, he's dead," comes the reply.
The musician calls back 25 times, always getting the same reply from the receptionist. At last she asks him why he keeps calling. "I just like to hear you say it", he answers.

Five minutes before a concert, the manager is running around in hysterics. "We can't find the conductor!" he cries. Running out to the audience, he asks if anyone can conduct. No one. He runs out to the street and asks again. No one. Finally, in a last desperate attempt, he runs to the alley where he finds a dog, a cat, and a donkey. "Can any of you conduct?" he asks. "I don't know," they replied, "But we'll give it a try." Each gives it a try starting with the cat, but he just can't seem to get his ears to twitch in time. Then the dog gives it a try, but he can't seem to wag his tail in time either. Finally, the donkey tries. "Perfect, that's perfect!" the manager cries, "Come, quickly!" "You don't think the orchestra will mind?" the donkey asks. "Trust me," the manager says, "They'll never know the difference!"

The orchestra conductor had become ill just 15 minutes before the concert was to begin. The manager asked around if anybody could conduct the evening's program and was delighted when the second cellist volunteered. The cellist knew all the works and didn't even need a score for Brahms' third. At the end of the concert the orchestra was pleased, the manager was pleased, and they ended up asking the cellist to conduct for the next three weeks while the regular maestro recuperated from an emergency appendectomy. The three weeks went by quickly and soon the maestro was back on the podium. When the second cellist took his customary seat beside the violas, Sam, the principal violist, leaned over to him and asked, "Where the hell have you been for the last three weeks?"

[To students]

"Anybody got an Eminem CD I can borrow?"
"Ten minutes late? Don't worry about it, come on in!"
"Can't make it to practice? Try to come next time, if you're not too busy."
"Drums -- could you play louder please?"
"That was perfect."
"It's too hot, let's stay inside today."
"I wish football season would last forever."
"Don't bother thinking too hard -- it might give you a headache. Let me tell you how the music goes."
"Missed key signature? Don't worry about it. We'll get it next time."
"You all are practicing too much. Leave your horns here over the weekend."
"You didn't hear what I just said? I would be glad to repeat it after your conversation with your neighbor is over."
"Leave all your drum equipment out. I would be glad to put it away for you."
"Who wants gum?"
"One more time." (And actually do it only one more time.)
"I love fundraising!"
"Drummers, I'd love to get you a fifth copy of that piece. Let's not lose another one, okay?"
"Third clarinets, you are too loud."
"Trumpets -- I wish every section was as modest as you guys."
"I have nothing to do this weekend."
"We have too much rehearsal time."

[To the principal]

"Sorry, my budget is big enough already."
"We need more teachers' meetings."
"Can the band play at soccer games, track meets, and water polo matches, too?"
"Coach Wilson and I are going to see an opera this weekend."
"Only one duty?"

[To the music store]

"Do you have an arrangement of the Partridge Family's Greatest Hits?"

From Mr. Holland on the Edge, by Trey Reely.

[From the administration]

I guess we'll have to hire another band director to help you guys out.
I like this budget proposal. Are you sure you don't need more?
An all-state tuba player is moving into your district. Is it too late to put her in band?
What time is your concert tonight?
Are you sure you don't want to take the band on another field trip this semester?
We want to give you another page in the yearbook

[From the students]

I'll be happy to organize your library files!
You're a cool band director.
Yes, Sir.
Can we play a Sousa march?
You want us to march in 110 degrees? No problem!
But I want to play!!!
I cleaned my instrument last night.
I only have four reeds that are playing properly. Could you sell me another box of reeds?
Lip slurs and long tones are really fun!
I love sightreading!
All of my fund raising money is in on time.
This parade is too short!
Can we have a sectional after school?
Are you sure that two hours a day is enough practice?
I love scales. Can you teach me some more?
Can we have some harder drill?

    10. Listen intently to his instructions. Do exactly the opposite. Insist that that was what he said to begin with.
    9. Empty spit exactly in the spot where he steps down from the podium. Get the entire brass section to do this. Often.
    8. Harass the cheerleaders. Blame the comments on the drum major.
    7. Invent your own tempo. Stick to your guns, no matter how big his beats are or how much he glares at you.
    6. "Confess" to your band director that you just can't follow such bad conducting and obscured beats.
    5. Drop vital instrument parts during drill (this includes bells, mouthpieces, foot joints, slides, etc.).
    4. Wait until he's just finished an hour of basics reviewing. "Forget" to step off on your left foot. Repeatedly.
    3. Whenever you see him trying to find his tempo, immediately start singing, playing, or tapping your foot loudly and out of tempo. Annoyingly infectious songs or songs in a completely different meter are especially effective.
    2. Wait until the busses have left before looking surprised and announcing loudly, "No one told us to take our uniforms off the bus, too!" or "You mean they aren't coming back to unload the instruments?!" These actions are best performed by at least three people for maximum chaos.
    1. In your sweetest and most respectful voice, ask him, "As God, why can't you make our team win a game?" Look serious. Expect an answer. Wait for one.

Never be satisfied with the tuning note. Fussing about the pitch takes attention away from the podium and puts it on you, where it belongs!

Tune to the wrong note.

Play for five measures after you are cut off.

Ask constantly, "Why didn't I get the solo?" "Why didn't I get first chair?" "Why?" "Why?" Be relentless.

Play things up an octave.

Show up for your audition with the wrong instrument.

Forget your horn, music, anything and everything.
Chew gum.

Hide the director's score.

When raising the music stand, be sure the top comes off and spills the music on the floor!

Push in or pull out one half inch. Have the person sitting next to you do the opposite. Pretend nothing is wrong.

If you are section leader - pretend to play three measures early and see if the rest of the section follows you. They will. Blame them.

Accept no responsibility. Ever.

Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting, crowded space, or a draft. It's best to do this when the conductor is under pressure.

Look the other way just before cues.

Never have the proper mute, extra reeds, etc... percussionists must never have all their equipment.

Ask for a re-audition or seating change. Give the impression you're about to quit. Let the conductor know you're there as a personal favor.

Brass players: Empty spit valves constantly.

Percussionists: drop stuff. (cymbals are unquestionably the best because they roll around for several seconds.)

Loudly blow water from the keys during pauses (Horn, Oboe and Clarinet players are trained to do this from birth).

Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your C# was in tune. This is especially effective if you had no C# or were not playing at the time (If he catches you, pretend to be correcting a note in your part).

At dramatic moments in the music (while the conductor is emoting) be busy marking your music so that the climaxes will sound empty and disappointing.

Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor know you don't have the music.

Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally.

Tell the conductor, "I can't find the beat!" Conductors are always sensitive about their "stick technique", so challenge it frequently.

Ask the conductor if he has listened to the Bernstein recording of the piece. Imply that he could learn a thing or two from it. Also good: ask "Is this the first time you've conducted this piece?"

When rehearsing a difficult passage, screw up your face and shake your head indicating that you'll never be able to play it. Don't say anything: make him wonder.

If your articulation differs from that of others playing the same phrase, stick to your guns! Do not ask the conductor which is correct until backstage just before the concert.

Find an excuse to leave rehearsal about 15 minutes early so that others will become restless and start to pack up and fidget.

During applause, smile weakly or show no expression at all. Better yet... nonchalantly put away your instrument. Make the conductor feel he is keeping you from doing something really important. 

After the flute section has a long rest that they've been trying so hard to count in their heads for, cut off the beat before they come in for the first time in 46 measures.

Forget things. Often. Make lousy cover ups for forgetting.

Pick one section. One entire section. Hate them.

Promise administration that the band will play for every pep assembly.

Promise teachers that you won't take the band out of class for pep assemblies.

Never tell students about the assembly.

Use the term "Let's just make sure it wasn't luck" very often. In your world, it will mean "I love torturing these kids to do it the right way more than once!"

Use the lovely device "Dr. Beat". Connect it to the big speakers, turn up the volume, and the students will have the tempo 120 beating in their head for the rest of the week.

Play a brass instrument. All band teachers play a brass instrument. It's especially enjoyable when the flutes or clarinets don't know an important trill fingering.

Try to teach them the fingering anyway.

You are always right. Unless you are conducting a band. And then still act like you are right.

When the band isn't doing something right, you need to remember that your baton isn't just for counting beats.

Hope to death that no one invents a way for a metronome to take a bow.

Don't conduct what the band is supposed to play, conduct what they're about to play.

Smile.
Nod.