The Canonical List of Band Jokes

Accelerando: What happens when drummers have to keep a steady beat.

Accidentals: The wrong notes.

Air: The driving force behind brass instruments, but generally lacks in woodwinds, therefore causing squeaks.

Alto Saxophone: A musical instrument that either plays very loud or not at all between squeaks

Arc: A shape with between one and five corners and one open side.

Astroturf: How to fall.

Attention: Standing still while sticking out your elbows, chest, and chin and being in constant pain. Can only talk in whispers so that no section leaders hear you.

Audition: the act of putting oneself under extreme duress to satisfy the sadistic intentions of someone who has already made up his mind.

Band:
1) A group of musicians who get together to upset the orchestra members.
2) Slightly organized noise.

Band Director: A person who organizes the noise. (Assistant band director: A person who organizes less important noise.)

Band Boosters: A group of bored band family members who raise money to send the band far away.

Band Camp: A week in the hottest part of summer when band nerds reunite and kick off the band mating season. Mostly used to establish seniority and levels.

Band Mating Season: Between June and November when band nerds pair off exclusively and find it their right to display their affection for one another (gag!).

Band Nerd: Someone who is very enthusiastic and involved in band. Willing to give up all free time.

Band Parents: A few dedicated individuals that travel with the band and perform such tasks as fixing uniforms and distributing those beautiful plumes.

Band Reject: Any member who is not accepted by anyone in the band besides their own section (cough cough... percussionists).

Band Room: To be thought of as your home for four months out of the year.

Baritone Horn Players: Persons for whom music is written in either bass or treble clefs thus explaining the continual outpouring of wrong notes. ie. "This is in bass clef and I read treble".

Baritone Sax: Instrument for woodwind players that are wannabe tuba players.

Bass Clef: Where you wind up after the trumpet solo

Bassoon: A bedpost with a bad case of gas.

Beat: What music students do to each other with their instruments. The down beat is performed on top of the head, while the up beat is struck under the chin

Be Quiet! (Command): You can talk if nobody catches you.

Bi-Sectional: The term given to one who plays different instruments for different ensembles.

Brain Fart: A mistake involving an escape of gaseous substances from the head usually in conjunction with missing a set.

Brass: Metallic looking and sounding devices designed to over-blow and get dented extremely easily.

Bus:
1) A good way to get to know someone (nudge, nudge, wink, wink, if you know what I mean), however the most painful way in the world to watch a movie.
2) the best place to sing country music.
3) A portable changing room.

Cadence: A way of making the crowd forget that the band just played. Good time for band section visuals.

Center Snare: The leader of the percussion section who's main requirement for the job is to not be able to hold a steady tempo.

Chair: See how high you rank on the food chain in your section.

Cheese: Jazz Lab.

Circle: A closed shape with definite corners and edges.

Clarinet: Licorice stick that squeaks.

Clarinetist: A person who leaves old and broken reeds on the floor for you to throw away for them.

Classes: Waste of non-band time.

Clef: Something to jump from before the trumpet solo.

Colorguard: People who swing flags and toss rifles to distract the audience's attention away from the band. Makes the band seem better. Get extra credit if they hit (accidentally, of course) a band member, yet defied if they hit a field judge (although they gain major points with audience appeal).

Conducting: The Drum Major's method of amusing the band to points of laughter at times.

Conductor: An ignorable figure capable of following numerous individuals at once

Crack: A substance that too many people are smoking, When this term is used, it usually involes some one behaving in an odd way.

Cut Time: The sudden realization that everyone else is playing twice as fast as you are.

Cymbals: Percussion instruments to be dropped while the band plays pianissimo.

Dancing: Done in the stands when one does not know their pep band music.

DCI: Drum Corps championship series. Extremely rough comparison: If PV is a green Pinto, DCI is a Lambourghini.

Director: The person who claims to be in charge when everything is going well and claims denial when things go wrong.

Discord: Not to be confused with Datcord.

Divine Comedy: Watching the drum major attempt to keep a correct tempo.

Dollar Bill: A device for cleaning saxophone pads.

Dr. Beat: A form of cruel and unusual punishment (violation of the 8th Amendment) that is bestowed over a loudspeaker when working on already-learned music.

Drill: Pages that show what a form is supposed to look like. Should be burned at year's end.

Drill-Down: When the band follows a long set of commands from the drum major, just to see who can do it, in an attempt at fun.

Drill Book: Gives you the power to walk around and talk on the field. Makes it look like you are fixing shapes.

Drum Corps: Very similar to marching band, except for a few differences: 1)They are good. 2) No woodwinds. Coincidence?

Drum Major: A student band director, or group of student band directors, who think they are directing the band but merely move their hands in the same tempo on every song like a robot.

Drum-Tap: A snare beat loud enough for the judges to hear, and quiet enough so band doesn't hear.

Drumline: The people hitting the drums (or each other) with sticks in time with each other, but either a half beat earlier or later than the band and one beat from the pit.

Early: Doesn't exist. Reasoning: To be early is to be on time, while to be on time is to be late, but to be late is to be dead. Following this through, early does not exist.

Fermata: A chance for the conductor to catch his breath while attempting to make his wind players pass out.

Fight Song: A cheerful, cheesy song that every band member could sing even if they slipped into a coma.

Flute: A sophisticated pea shooter with a range of up to 500 yards.

Freshmen: Designed to make up half the size of the band.

Full Uniform: A form of torture consisting of pants, a heavy wool jacket, a choking ugly hat (with that strikingly beautiful yet flammable plume), and "special" shoes.

Glissando: The way woodwind players play difficult runs.

Gong: A loud, large cymbal-like device. It is the goal of all good percussionists to break or crack this instrument in any way possible.

Halt: A time when everyone is theoretically stopped.

Hell: Inferno, half day / no school rehearsals, and camp food.

Home: The band room.

Instructor: Person who tells you when you're screwing up.

Interval, Spacing: A space between two band members that is random as the Drum Major's tempo.

IQ: A constant combined number that does not change as the size of the band does.

Jazz: Supposedly an All-American art form, but really just an excuse for everybody to play whatever and whenever they want without getting yelled at.

Juniors: Wannabe seniors who think they can boss people around.

Key Change: A change in the tonal center of a peice that takes place 3-5 measures after it is written in the music.

Laps: An alternative to pushups, though not as effective.

Left: the foot you start on, unless you are marching backwards.

Mark Time: Excercise.

Memorization: Learning the cool part of the song instead of your own.

MP: Abbreviation seen in music that stands for "mighty powerful".

Music: Pieces of paper that are lost and forgotten numerous times thorughout the season.

Never: Try not to get caught.

Notes: Little black things on paper that show what music should, in theory, sound like. Unfortunately we are not in theory, we are in band.

Oboe: An instrument that never works.

Oboist: A person that, due to the instrument, is not gay or straight, but is refered to as "Obosexual".

Page Turn: How to not play the hard parts.

Piccolo: Like a flute except you can hear it's out of tune.

Piano: It's in jazz band for some reason... or maybe no reason...

Play: Put your horn to your face. Take a breath. Then realize that you dropped something or need to fix something.

Playing Test: Yeah right.

Practice: The repetition of a piece until you get it right or you kill your director. Whichever comes first.

Private Lessons: The only sign of a true band nerd.

Quit: Everyone tries to do it.....very few actually succeed.

Rain: Nature's way of telling the band they need to go inside and work on music.

Rifle: A large wooden stick used to break nails and bruise heads.

Ritard: The idiot behind the stick.

Saxophone: A brass/woodwind instrument that plays too loud in concert band, too soft in marching band and gets all the solos in jazz band.

Saxophonist: A retard.

Seniority: The right and privilege earned to cut in line and basically be mean to freshmen.

SFZ: Blatting, stopping, Blasting.

Solo: In Marching band, you get to stand still while everybody else has to march, and nobody even knows you played.
In concert band, you are not heard and you get to take a bow.
In jazz band, You barf through your horn and take a bow. Everbody loves it.

Sophomores: Try to make up for being abused as a freshmen by picking on the incoming freshmen as much as possible.

Spring Band Trip: Way too expensive for what it is. A week long excursion to a tourist-y attraction where band nerds run amok amongst unsuspecting tourists and innocent bystanders. Band couples are established just so everybody has a bus seat partner.

Standing: What the brass line does in jazz band. Due to a weakness in the saxes and rhythm section, they do not stand. Some are man enought to handle it but they sit anyways.

Squeak: The only sign that a clarinet is playing.

Tan Lines: Found around the ankles, upper arms, and thigh region on all attendees of band camp. Never goes away. Ever.

Tenor Saxophone: Bigger, louder, uglier. (The players and the horns.)

Tempo Change: Signal for musicians to ignore the conductor.

Three/Four Time: One would think this is impossible in marching band. Yet, due to massive retardation caused by excessive UV rays, we actually march better in 3/4 time. Truly bizarre.

Time: A way to keep the band continuously out of step.

Trumpet: A way to make the band sound better. If the trumpets play loud enough, then you can't hear any other mistakes.

Trumpet Player: A person who thinks that every note has 8va written above it.

Trombone: A device that has the same pitch as the baritone, except that it is played with a slide, so it is easier to forget the positions.

Tuba: A compound word; "Hey woman, fetch me another tuba Preparation H!"

Tune: What we do to get most of the band within a half step of each other.

Tuning: Eternity.

Unison: See minor second.

Valve: A device that sticks during difficult parts of the music or during crucial solos.

Valve Oil:
1) Only one person in the band has it at any given time.
2) A form of currency for brass players.

Vibrato: How to hide that you are out of tune.

Visual: A way of keeping people interested in the marching show. Placed right after a difficult passage so that the judges will forget that the band sucks.

Water Break: Read: water fight.
1) A chance to play football or do headstands on the field.
2) A chance to act like monkeys.

Whining: How to get yourself out sectionals. One slight drawback: you have to run until sectionals are over.

Whispering: How you must talk at attention. Unless a section leader is talking, and then you don't have to be at attention anymore.

Woodwinds: Proof that God has a sense of humor.

Yelling: Something that drum majors do too much of.

string quartet: a good violinist, a bad violinist, an ex-violinist, and someone who hates violinists, all getting together to complain about composers.

detaché: an indication that the trombones are to play with their slides removed.

glissando: a technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.

subito piano: indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra player to become a soloist.

risoluto: indicates to orchestras that they are to stubbornly maintain the correct tempo no matter what the conductor tries to do.

senza sordino: a term used to remind the player that he forgot to put his mute on a few measures back.

preparatory beat: a threat made to singers, i.e., sing, or else...

crescendo: a reminder to the performer that he has been playing too loudly.

conductor: a musician who is adept at following many people at the same time.

clef: something to jump from before the viola solo.

transposition: the act of moving the relative pitch of a piece of music that is too low for the basses to a point where it is too high for the sopranos.

vibrato: used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.

half step: the pace used by a cellist when carrying hi instrument.

coloratura soprano: a singer who has great trouble finding the proper note, but who has a wild time hunting for it.

chromatic scale: an instrument for weighing that indicates half-pounds.

bar line: a gathering of people, usually among which may be found a musician or two.

ad libitum: a premiere.

beat: what music students do to each other with their instruments. The down beat is performed on top of the head, while the up beat is struck under the chin.

cadence: when everybody hopes you're going to stop, but you don't.

diatonic: low-calorie Schweppes.

lamentoso: with handkerchiefs.

virtuoso: a musician with very high morals. (I know one)

music: a complex organizations of sounds that is set down by the composer, incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, who is ignored by the musicians, the result of which is ignored by the audience.

oboe: an ill wind that nobody blows good.

tenor: two hours before a nooner.

diminished fifth: an empty bottle of Jack Daniels.

perfect fifth: a full bottle of Jack Daniels.

ritard: there's one in every family.

relative major: an uncle in the Marine Corps.

relative minor: a girlfriend.

big band: when the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players.

pianissimo: "refill this beer bottle".

repeat: what you do until they just expel you.

treble: women ain't nothin' but.

bass: the things you run around in softball.

portamento: a foreign country you've always wanted to see.

conductor: the man who punches your ticket to Birmingham.

arpeggio: "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?"

tempo: good choice for a used car.

A 440: the highway that runs around Nashville.

transpositions:

men who wear dresses.

An advanced recorder technique where you change from alto to soprano fingering (or vice-versa) in the middle of a piece

cut time:

parole.

when everyone else is playing twice as fast as you are.

order of sharps: what a wimp gets at the bar.

passing tone: frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues.

middle C: the only fruit drink you can afford when food stamps are low.

perfect pitch: the smooth coating on a freshly paved road.

cadenza:

that ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes.

The heroine in Monteverdi's opera Frottola

whole note: what's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year.

clef: what you try never to fall off of.

bass clef: where you wind up if you do fall off.

altos: not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes" or "Dori-toes".

minor third: your approximate age and grade at the completion of formal schooling.

melodic minor: loretta Lynn's singing dad.

12-tone scale: the thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailer truck with.

quarter tone: what most standard pickups can haul.

sonata: what you get from a bad cold or hay fever.

clarinet: name used on your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo.

cello: the proper way to answer the phone.

french horn: your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4 a.m.

cymbal: what they use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to sight-in your pistol with.

bossa nova: the car your foreman drives.

time signature: what you need from your boss if you forget to clock in.

first inversion: grandpa's battle group at Normandy.

staccato: how you did all the ceilings in your mobile home.

major scale: what you say after chasing wild game up a mountain: "Damn! That was a major scale!"

aeolian mode: how you like Mama's cherry pie.

bach chorale: the place behind the barn where you keep the horses.

plague: a collective noun, as in "a plague of conductors."

audition: the act of putting oneself under extreme duress to satisfy the sadistic intentions of someone who has already made up his mind.

accidentals: wrong notes.

augmented fifth: a 36-ounce bottle.

broken consort: when someone in the ensemble has to leave to go to the bathroom.

cantus firmus: the part you get when you can play only four notes.

chansons de geste: dirty songs.

clausula: Mrs. Santa Claus.

crotchet:

a tritone with a bent prong.

like knitting, but faster.

ducita: a lot of mallards.

embouchure the way you look when you've been playing the Krummhorn.

estampie: what they put on letters in Quebec.

garglefinklein: a tiny recorder played by neums.

hocket: the thing that fits into a crochet to produce a rackett.

interval: how long it takes to find the right note. There are three kinds:

Major interval: a long time.

Minor interval: a few bars.

Inverted interval: when you have to go back a bar and try again.

intonation: singing through one's nose. Considered highly desirable in the Middle Ages.

isorhythmic motet: when half of the ensemble got a different edition from the other half.

minnesinger: a boy soprano.

musica ficta: when you lose your place and have to bluff until you find it again.

neums: renaissance midgets.

neumatic melishma: a bronchial disorder caused by hockets.

ordo: the hero in Tolkien's Lord of the Rings.

rota: an early Italian method of teaching music without score or parts.

trotto: an early Italian form of Montezuma's Revenge.

lauda: the difference between shawms and krummhorns.

sancta: Clausula's husband.

lasso: the 6th and 5th steps of a descending scale.

di lasso: popular with Italian cowboys.

quaver: beginning viol class.

rackett: capped reeds class

ritornello: a Verdi opera.

sine proprietate: cussing in church.

supertonic: Schweppes.

trope: a malevolent neum.

tutti: a lot of sackbuts.

stops: something Bach didn't have on his organ.

agnus dei: a famous female church composer.

metronome: a city-dwelling dwarf.

allegro: leg fertilizer.

recitative: a disease that Monteverdi had.

transsectional: an alto who moves to the soprano section.

Band, Atten-hut!": Bring your instrument to attention position and bring your head back at a slight angle (supposed to be executed by the entire band at the same time, but is it ever?)         

"Horns-up": Snap your instrument into playing position, cracking your mouthpiece off of your teeth, or splintering your lip with your reed.

"Band, Parade Rest!": A time of stress relief after a particularly long or lousy performance, as you get to shout "HUH!" at the top of your lungs.

"Left Face, Ready MOVE!": Turn over your left shoulder on count four, promptly smacking into the person next to you who was confused and did a "Right Face". (Similar to "Right Face" and "To the REAR, MOVE!")

Company Front: A giant squiggly line across the field (usually on or near a hash) that causes hours of aggravation while one side of the field argues with the other trying to decide who's in the right place.

Drum Major(s): People you liked a whole lot better before they became drum major.

Triplet Step(s): Really fast, stupid looking steps in which you scamper across the field like rabbits on a sugar high.

Cadence: A place for the drummers to show off during parades, etc.  A perfect time to get off step as the tempo changes constantly.

Back March: Marching backwards, a ballet-like move.  You stay up on your toes, lose your balance, and fall on your butt.

Horn Flash: Tip your head back and point the bell of your instrument into the air.  Effective dynamically for trumpets, trombones, and horns.  Pretty much useless and a waste of energy for saxes, clarinets, flutes, baritones, etc.

Uniform: A sweaty, stinky piece of clothing that takes several minutes to put on.  Also known as "A Full Bladder's Worst Nightmare!"

Color Guard: Girls with metal poles, rifles, and sabers...Everything you don't want them to have.

Accelerando sousamentosa: consistent tendency to rush the ends of phrases, particularly in marches.

Accidental hemiola: in sight-reading, when a band unintentionally plays in separate time signatures simultaneously.

Alpha infarction: Poor attack on the first note.

Articulatory amnesia: forgetting correct articulations.

Auditional paralysis: glassy-eyed condition caused by listening to 350 students audition for all-region honors. Also called deja vucosis.

Caneshock: facial redness that occurs when woodwind players use a reed too strong for their embouchures.

CADD (contest attention deficit disorder): during contest season, looking directly at students and not hearing a word they are saying.

Clinical gangrene: condition whereby hand turns green after plating brass instrument for extended periods in a band clinic.

Digital palsy: in woodwind players, extremely tense fingers that rise an inch above the keys in a frozen-like state.

Disease of me: extreme selfishness; usually results in the defeat of us.

Dizzyitis: inflammation of the cheeks while playing a musical instrument.

Draggaria: dragging the trio of a march.

Drill dementia: sudden state of apathy and depression that occurs about halfway (sometimes sooner) through the drill-writing process.

Embou-not-so-chure atrophy: continual weakening of the lips as reed weakens.

Fanny fatigue: soreness from long stretches of sitting on a school bus.

Ferguson's syndrome: light-headedness caused by playing high notes on the trumpet.

Fixophobia: the fear of repairing instruments.

Fundraiser's paranoia: the feeling that people are avoiding you because they think you are going to try to sell them something.

GADD (golf attention deficit disorder): constant daydreaming about golf; particularly acute during the last two weeks before summer vacation.

Gravitational firthitis: the inability to hold onto drumsticks during performances (see also Gravitational mutitis).

Gravitational mutitis: the inability to remove a mute from a brass instrument without dropping it.

Instructionesia: condition whereby a director gets the band's attention only to forget what he is going to say.

KSDD (key signature deficit disorder): consistently missing key signatures; in extreme cases, the sufferer will never even take the time to write in the accidental.

Malsyncrosis: in marching band; also called out-of-stepness.

Niagara hearing impairment: in beginning horn players, the inability to hear condensation gurgling in their horns.

Percussive arrhythmia: continual missing of rhythms in percussion section.

Peripheria: inability to watch the band director while playing.

Quasimodo slumperenza: consistently poor posture.

Solophobia: fear of going to see the band director alone to give him some unpleasant news.

Sympathetic volcanic eruptess: feeling of rage right under the skin the week of contest.

Terrapinesia misicala: intense emotional pain felt by teenagers when performing slow music; particularly intense when music is atonal.

Thompson syndrome: the fear of tightening a Thompson mouthpiece puller too much and destroying a lead-pipe.

Zdechlik fatigue syndrome: extreme tiredness in arms from conducting extended cut time passages in fast four so the band won't drag.

From Mr. Holland on the Edge, by Trey Reely.